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Parenting |
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Parenting An Angry Kid: The Secret To
Getting The Respect You Deserve |
Parenting
Question:
I have a parenting question regarding the
challenges I have with a strong willed
child. The challenge we have is with our 12
year old. When corrected she will argue her
point of view until the bitter end. Our
point is never taken into account and it
usually ends in a long drawn out yelling
match. If you don't agree with her point of
view, she doesn't feel heard nor understood
and then becomes defensive and does not even
listen to our side. We say black, she says
white. My parenting question is how can we
prevent family yelling matches and resolve
issues with control and authority?
Sincerely,
~Penny - One Tired Step Mom
Positive Parenting Advice from Family
Counselor Kelly Nault on Dealing with an
Angry Kid
Dear Tired Step Mom,
Being a step mom offers a host of challenges
and I applaud you for taking the time to
find a solution to your family stress. The
key to solving conflict with an angry kid
like your daughter is to understand what she
really wants and give it to her. And what an
angry child really wants may just surprise
you. Transforming an Angry Kid with
R.E.S.P.E.C.T
An angry kid either wants greater control in
their life or respect from their parents
(and often times both!). The more respect
you give your child (especially children
approaching the teenage years), the more
respect they will give you.
Here I have used the word R.E.S.P.E.C.T as
an acronym to give you some commonsense
parenting tips that can solve the conflict
in your home quickly.
R Respect Your Child – Always treat your
child, as you want to be treated. This is
sometimes easier said than done but
essential to your success. Children model
what they see. Even if your child has
provoked you, falling into parenting traps
such as yelling or using harsh punishment
only teaches your child to lash out and
disrespect you more.
The simplest way to determine if you are
being respectful is to ask yourself: “Would
I use this tone and say what I am saying to
a friend or acquaintance?” If the answer is
“no” (and you’re pretty sure that they would
recycle you for a new friend), it’s time to
change your tone.
E Expect Respect in Return – We always treat
children how to treat us. When children are
disrespectful it is important to respond in
a respectful but firm way that let’s them
know you will not be walked over. Say
something like, “I can see you are angry
right now. I am happy to listen to you once
you use a respectful tone with me. When you
change your tone come and get me as I really
want to hear what you have to say.” If they
continue being disrespectful, keep your
mouth shut, walk away and wait for them to
come to you in a respectful manner before
discussing any further.
S Support Your Child – Support your child by
having enough faith in their ability to
learn from their mistakes. Refrain from “I
told you so” comments and don’t spend a lot
of time (if any) pointing out what they did
wrong. Once things have calmed down ask them
“How did that work for you?” “What did you
really want?” and “How could you make it
better next time?”
P Positive Attitude – Remaining positive
helps more than we often know to keep the
atmosphere in our home supportive. Do what
you need to do to keep yourself positive by
getting enough sleep (sleep deprivation can
turn us into a raving Godzilla), do things
you love to do and spend quality fun time
with each of your children.
E Encourage a cooling off period in the heat
of the moment – Continuing a fight while you
are angry will never solve a fight. When
feeling angry always take a short cooling
off period so you don’t escalate the fight
and say something you will regret later on.
C Create Family Rules for Fighting – When
things are calm, create family rules for
fighting and post them in special places
around the house (even put one in your
wallet and in the car). Include the
following: what each family member will do
during their cool down period to make
themselves feel better, an inspirational
oath or prayer that you agree to read out
loud after every one has cooled down (before
discussing the issue) and specific ways each
of you will listen to one another. To get
best results create this document as a
family.
T Train Your Child – Good parenting means
taking the time to show your kids how to do
things on their own. Give them more
responsibility over time. With a hectic
schedule, it can be easier and quicker to do
the task for your kids rather than taking
the time to teach them how to do it for
themselves. Training is what gives our
children a chance to develop essential life
skills, gain self-confidence, and ultimately
feel respected.
How to Ask for an Apology from an Angry
Child
When we do another wrong, apologies are the
path to healing. Apologies are precious
commodities that are not to be thrown around
lightly in conversation, and not to be
wasted during a heated discussion. In times
of conflict, we may say something like, “I
expect an apology young lady!” in a tone
that means “NOW!” But in reality this is
only a verbal punishment. The time for
apologies is when all parties are calmed
down enough to give, hear and feel them.
You can absolutely ask for an apology from
you child but for any apology to be
effective it needs to have flexible terms. A
request for an apology should sound like
this: “I would like an apology when you are
ready to give it.” This simple statement is
honest, clear and respectful. Parents aren’t
the only ones deserving of an apology. It is
important for moms and dads to apologize
when they have messed up too.
Your family is fortunate to have you as
their step-mom. By remembering that your
angry child is simply crying out for more
understanding and more respect you can solve
the conflict that has you so frustrated.
Give them respect, expect respect in return
and watch your child’s behavior change for
the better. |
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Learn How To Deal
With Your Aggressive Child And Teach
Them Anger Management.
|
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Kelly Nault, MA family counselor and award winning author of When You’re
About To Go Off The Deep End, Don’t Take Your Kids With You inspires
moms to put themselves first—for the sake of their children. She shares
time-tested tools that motivate children to want to be well behaved,
responsible and happy! Sign up for her free
online parenting course here. |
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